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The Fierce and Fearless US Navy
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October,'95.
CANADIANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
Divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: SIR, THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE ATLANTIC. WE ARE NUCLEAR,
EQUIPPED WITH THE WORLD'S MOST ADVANCED AIR AND SEA ASSAULT
FIREPOWER, ACCOMPANIED BY THREE STATE-OF-THE-ART DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS WITH UNPARALLELED BALLISTIC CAPABILITY AND
NUMEROUS OTHER SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR SW IFT AND DECISIVE
COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS VESSEL.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Some Army axioms old guys know but new guys have to learn the hard way:
1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to
waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that the lowest bidder made your weapon.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: When they’re ready or
when you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five-second fuzes always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. (For this reason, it is not
surprising that aircraft carriers are sometimes called bomb magnets.)
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat
zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire.
33. Things that must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must be together in order to work, can't be shipped to the
field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. (Corollary: Radar
tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
36. Anything you do can get you killed, including doing nothing.
37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get
out.
38. Tracers work both ways.
39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more
than your fair share of objectives to take.
40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both
right.
41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous
amateurs.
42. Military Intelligence is an oxymoron.
43. Fortify only your front, you’ll get your rear shot up.
44. Weather ain't neutral.
45. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
46. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
47. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
48. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
49. Napalm is an area support weapon.
50. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
51. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
52. The one item you need is always in short supply.
53. Interchangeable parts aren't.
54. It's not the one with your name on it that should worry you; it's the
one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
55. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
56. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
57. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
58. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
59. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never
stay awake when you can sleep.
60. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map
and a compass.
61. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
62. Everything always works in your HQ; everything always fails in the
Colonel's HQ.
63. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
64. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
65. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
66. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
67. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low
on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
68. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to
be repaired.
69. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.
70. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
71. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
72. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
73. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot
camp)
74. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
75. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most
important ones are always illegible.
76. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
77. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know
what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
78. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal
information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
79. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
80. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after someone
else fills that billet.
81. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to
attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack
that night.
82. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of
Honor.
83. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a
plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
84. Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37
enemies killed in action.
85. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than
your jumping range.
86. All-weather close air support isn't.
87. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness
of its outfit and appearance.
88. It's easier to expend material in combat than to fill out the forms for
Graves Registration.
89. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always
hit the ground.
90. The crucial round is a dud.
91. Every command that can be misunderstood will be.
92. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
93. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.
94. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared for the enemy’s
assault, he will bypass you.
95. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
96. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank
him.
97. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the
target.
98. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
99. The more stupid the leader is, the more important the missions he is
ordered to carry out.
100. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his
position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
101. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
102. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General
is watching.
103. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on
an unsecured channel.
104. Whenever you drop your equipment in a firefight, your ammo and
grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at
your feet.
105. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
106. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
107. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional
to the distance to any form of cover.
108. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching
that day.
109. If you all agree to the solution for a field problem, then it is
usually a stupid solution.
110. All or any of the above can be combined.
111. Murphy was a grunt.
Officer vs. NCO observations
The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said:
Sir, look
up into the sky and tell me what you see?
The CO said I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: And what does that tell you, sir?
CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent.
Submarine Life
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
The young ensign
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
A Christmas Theme
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter; I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded: An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded. "Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk! And scramble our fighters -- let's send the whole flock! Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged. Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged, And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe became pieces in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris, Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea, Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, some gloves, and a ripped parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down. There are unhappy kids in each village and town. Can the Spirit of Christmas even hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made?
Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us In other ways alter, transform, and affect us. They can keep us from things that make life more worth living, Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day, All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh. So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health, And be good boys and girls, as Santa goes STEALTH
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